Mido's Long, Tortuous, Arduous, Hideous Story
by CylaF
Summary: My soontoescalateintoashamefulspectacleofMidotaunting story. R&R and save an innocent puppy from wearing a pink puffy sweatervest.
1. The Painful Beginning

Disclaimer: I do not own Zelda and my stuff is terrible anyway, so no one need worry if I hideously mangle an Ocarina of Time character or two.

This is just an excuse to taunt Mido. He is the tragic anti-everything-coward (I wont go so far to call him a tragic hero) and I just love messing with characters. Since this is not a serious piece, I didn't really bother with any writing techniques as of yet. This may go somewhere, it may not.

P. S. I would have strapped Mido to the clocktower from Majora's Mask, but it didn't seem possible. Maybe I'll do it later on.

* * *

The morning sun drifted through an open window, casting long shadows on the earthen floor and sidling up the face of a sleeping kokiri. The young boy yawned and tossed to the side, plugging his ears as the sweet call of morning larks twittered outside to greet the day. 

Mido hated birds.

"Yaaugh!" He groaned as the light grew brighter and a woodpecker pounded on the wooden wall of his home. "I swear," he muttered as he flung himself out of bed and staggered to the door. "I swear…I'm gonna…kill…that bird…" He tripped and collapsed on the doorframe. The pecking grew louder, more insistent. And it…it was on the door!

Curse that woodpecker!

Mido wrenched open the door and picked up his ceramic pot, ready to smash the bird into the door, but he stopped numbly at the sight of something even more annoying than the woodpecker.

"Hey, Mido!" Link was cocking his head to the side like a parrot, eyes wide and confused. "I thought you were gone. I need to…um…go into your chests now, so I can take some money."

Mido's eye twitched. "What are you talking about?" He hissed. "And shouldn't you be dead? You left the forest, didn't you?"

Link tapped his foot impatiently. Mido noticed that he had a huge metal shield strapped to his back, which gave him a rather round shouldered look. "Look," He said, "I just woke up here again (I don't know why this keeps happening) and I need money, and I really hate looking around in the grass for rupees. I could go to Hyrule market town and smash some pots-" The young boy saw the pot in Mido's hands. "Perfect! Thanks, Mido!"

Without hesitation, Link threw the pot (Mido's mother's pottery, passed down from her grandfather) and it smashed into dust and bits of glazed clay. A blue rupee glinted on the ground, which Link soon picked up. "That ought to tide me over," Link whispered.

"Thanks, Mido, you've been great." Link dashed off into the exit of the forest, heading towards Hyrule field. Mido blushed scarlet with rage, stomping after the thief with clenched fists until he reached the inevitable barrier.

The end of the forest.

Mido knew the kokiri weren't allowed to leave. Everyone knew that you would die if you left the forest, but…then again…Link left the forest…so…

With a second's hesitation, Mido leapt into the entrance of the hanging bridge, clattered across the wooden planks, and fell through one rotting piece of wood, landing on a strange round thing he'd never seen before. A wire connected to the top was fizzing with fire, and the entire globe was flashing red at shorter intervals.

"So…pretty…" Mido gasped, feeling rather happy for the first time in his life.

The fuse reached its end, and—

Mido woke up at the entrance to the lost woods, beaten and burned, his hat smoking on the grass five yards away. He got up and dusted himself off, looking down at the town below.

"Hey, Mido!" shouted a girl standing near Saria's house. "Your hair is on fire!"

Five miles away, Link whistled happily and did somersaults into trees so he could knock rupees down. He didn't seem to mind knocking his head into a huge block of wood every few seconds, and when the world stopped spinning, he had some money to burn.

"What a fantastic day!" Link cried.

And indeed it was.

* * *

Ok, I really need help here. I have been trying sooooooo hard to get these paragraphs indented, but the document thing wont let me indent! It is driving me crazy. And watch, I bet every sentence will be double spaced too, instead of every paragraph. Technologically, I'm like Mido. So, If any one out there knows how to fix this little issue, help is greatly appreciated.

Byesies.

Cyla F.


	2. Dogs

Ok, first of all, I don't want to hear any outraged screaming from you Zelda fans out there, because if you finish Ocarina of time, you see Mido outside of the forest during the huge bonfire party. He's sitting next to King Zora. There might be a story there, but I don't even want to think about that, you sick people! Anyhoo, that proves that the Kokiri can leave the forest without dying. In my opinion, the Deku Tree was only keeping them in the forest to preserve their innocence. So no tracking me down and poking me with sharp shiny knives, ok?

Lets get on with this, shall we?

* * *

Mido could hear voices echoing overhead, as if coming from deep water. They warbled and popped from left to right, stretching slowly like molasses strung from sticky fingers and knocking him in the stomach with something sharp and painful…

He opened his eyes to a Skull Kid, who was jabbing him with a spear and giggling.

"Stop it!" Mido barked, backing away.

"You are an idiot," laughed the Skull Kid, leaning on his spear. "Picking up a bomb like that!"

"Yeah," Mido said defensively, "Well…your face is…um…RATHER PLAIN."

The Skull Kid stood straight in anger, welled red to the cheeks, and fainted outright.

"That was easy," Mido whispered, climbing up a tree and hopping over to the bridge. He hesitated at the exit.

"Maybe I shouldn't," he whispered, looking back at his house through the entrance. Suddenly a spear struck the bridge and lay there, quivering in the wood.

"RATHER PLAIN!" came a disgruntled shriek from his left. "I'll stick you like a pig!"

Time to go, thought Mido, bolting for the exit, feet pattering on the shaking bridge.

He burst into the bright daylight of Hyrule field, and screamed when he saw an enormous owl perching on the tree ahead of him. Its head was spinning manically, twisting right and left and swirling around like a wheel. Mido stood transfixed to the grass.

"Hoot, hoot!" the owl said, and Mido pulled out his sling (Link got the slingshot, stupid showoff) and loaded it with a rock, swinging it around his head. The owl continued, "You are standing on the ground now, which is made of rock and sediment, which has grass growing on it and HAWRK"

The owl keeled over and hit the earth, wings flapping frantically. Mido tried to run past it, but it wobbled up and grabbed his shirt collar with sharp talons, lifting him up into the air with a mighty flap of wings.

Mido screamed like a girl as they spun in dizzying circles, the owl taking a second to nip off some of his hair and peck at his forehead. Mido writhed and struggled, and finally wiggled free about fifty feet above the ground. He hit the earth with a wet smack, landing right on the banks of a castle moat.

"Mido?"

Mido looked up and scowled at the sight of Link standing in front of him, wearing a bunny hat. The long ears waved in the humid air, and Mido sat up, wiping the muck off his face.

"Here," Link said, pushing Mido into the moat. "Now you aren't covered in mud. I'm smart!"

Mido floundered in the water, crawling up to the bank again. "Wait a sec," Link said, "Shouldn't you be dead or something?"

"Maybe that was the owl's job," Mido said to himself, looking up into the sky for a sign of the monster. He glanced back at Link. "Look," he said, "We have a score to settle, because you—"

"Hold on," Link said, and Mido waited patiently while Link bolted for the drawbridge just as the sun began to set.

"Why does daytime only last three minutes here?" Mido growled, running for the bridge as well, which began to close. He tried to scrabble down to the tile and almost succeeded without a hitch, if it weren't for the fact that he lost his boot, which was wedged in the crack of the bridge, keeping it slightly open. He hobbled after Link, down the dark entrance and into the market place.

Dogs. Dogs, dogs, dogs. Mido hated those things. Three of them latched on to his ankles and chewed thoughtfully, letting him drag them along as he followed after Link, who was running in circles with the bunny hat on.

"I'm a magic bunny, I'm a magic bunny!" the blond kid sang, followed closely by a parade of dancing dogs. "See me dance like a little magic bunny!"

Mido gaped. Maybe the Kokiri died this way, he wondered, by going insane and being eaten by dogs. He remembered how his mother used to tell him, while he was going to sleep at night, about how one day he would fall off a cliff and die, to be slowly devoured by wolves. His mother was rather bitter, but Mido always loved those stories. It meant the end was near.

Link flew into Mido, and knocked into a tree. "This is awesome!" he cried, skipping around the dazed Kokiri child, laughing. "I get a whole new friend who can give me vital hints and story plot!"

"You are insane," Mido told him, getting up. The dogs were now gnawing at his calves, gumming him, more like. They didn't seem to have many teeth. "I just want to get my money back for that pot you broke."

"Which one?" Link asked. "Theres about a million pots in the entrance over there, through a door. I smashies em with bombs."

"You need to be institutionalized," Mido warned Link, grabbing his arm and pulling him to the entrance. "These dogs…"

"They like you," Link said, as the dogs, spurred to a new fervor, hung from Mido's knees. "But you have to—uh oh."

"What?"

Mido looked up at a tall figure standing in the entrance to Hyrule market, arms crossed and red eyes glowing fiercely in the dark…

* * *

Ooooh….new person! Tune in next time to see if Mido gets eaten by dogs, beaten by gorons or pecked by cuckoos! Or don't tune in! No matter. 


	3. The Most Horrific Image

This is dedicated to Ria, or OnyxMedallion, because her Darkness Reborn story inspired me to draw a comic, which meant that I had to draw Impa, which meant that my mind will not recover within the next lifetime from those horrible METAL PUSH UP BRA DEAR GODS MY EYES! Ahem.

* * *

Impa glared down at the two green clad children from her monstrous height, gauntleted hands on her hips and metal bra winking in the moonlight. Mido shuddered and felt an uncontrollable urge to gag. He coughed, and the dogs currently gumming his shins worked their teeth up into his kneecaps. Link clutched Mido's arm and swiftly pulled off his bunny hat.

"Eh…hey Impa. L-long time no see…"

Impa huffed, and both boys cringed as she bent down, cleavage swinging dangerously close to their eye level.

"Look at me when I'm talking to you," she said gruffly, and Mido squeaked.

"I'd…I'd rather not…" he muttered, looking down at his legs, which were free of dogs as the poor pups had fled from the well endowed Shiekah.

"I wasn't talking to you, twit." The Shiekah grabbed Link by the shoulder and spoke hurriedly. "Aren't you supposed to be going to Dodongo's cavern right now?"

Link squirmed uncomfortably. "M-maybe…I…um…ran out of money…"

"Does it cost money to enter the cavern?"

"Well, no…but…"

"Then get going!" Impa stood upright again, and threw a round little ball to the ground. There was a flash and a burst of smoke, and when it cleared Mido saw that the Shiekah woman was sprinting out of the market gate. He raised an eyebrow quizzically.

"Uh…Link…?" he asked, eyeing the blond haired boy. "What the hell was that about?"

Link hemmed and hawed for a minute, then smiled blankly and shrugged. "Might as well get going, then!" he said, turning back towards the exit. "Um…Mido…."

"Yeah?"

The blond fidgeted with his gloves, and pulled a letter from nowhere, holding it out to Mido. "Can you sneak into the castle and give this to Princess Zelda? It means a lot to me."

There was a moment's hesitation.

"Sneak into the castle…." Mido said dubiously, "And find Zelda…"

Link smiled. "Its no biggie. I did it before."

Mido considered this bit of information. If this guy could do it, anyone could, and it wasn't like Mido wasn't doomed to begin with. "Ok," he said, taking the letter.

Suddenly, his arm was flung up into the air, and the letter hovered a few inches above it, spinning strangely.

"YOU HAVE A LETTER!" A loud voice cried from nowhere, and Mido screamed mentally from his frozen look of surprise. "THIS IS A LETTER FROM LINK TO PRINCESS ZELDA. WHAT COULD BE INSIDE IT?"

The invisible force holding Mido hostage disappeared, and the kokiri fell to the ground, hastily stuffing the letter into his pocket.

"What the-" he began, looking for Link. Yet Link was already gone. "Figures," he mumbled, getting up and sprinting for the castle just as the dogs gathered enough muster to approach him again.

Now to find Zelda….

* * *

Ok, I know, I know, what the heck happened to Mido's fairy? Well, there is a good reason for that. I'll tell you later. 


	4. Mido's Fairy

This is what happened to Mido's fairy. Her name is Maga, in no way related to any weird Anime or video game thing, because I am sure some person somewhere has seen an anime character with that name, and I assure you, this drunken fairy is my own. We sit together at night and discuss Lord Byron's poetry when she isn't at the bar. So...here ya go.

* * *

Mido winced as a little white fairy zoomed out of the bushes and whacked him fullforce on the side of the head.

"Hey, Maga," he moaned, rubbing his temples. "Why were you gone so long?"

The white female fairy twittered and spun in crazy loops around the Kokiri's feet as he walked up to the castle gate. "Ahve been hayngin wit' Naaviii, yesh," she giggled, dropping as if she'd forgotten how to use her wings, then flapping up to eye height again. "Sheesh got the best, and I mean BESSHT wine thish shide o-o-of HyRULE heheh…"

With that, the drunken fairy slipped into Mido's pocket with a hiccup.

"Night." She murmured, and Mido rolled his eyes, blinking as the sun rolled over the horizon.

* * *

Mystery solved. 


End file.
